Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Randomize
