After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Randomize
