someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
