I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
