If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
