I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
