I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
