I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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