We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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