...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
