sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
