Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I cannot find my penis.
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
no you cant smoke seaweed
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Randomize
