you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
