last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
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