I can't watch pbs sober anymore
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
The cops high fived after they tackled you
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
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