I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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