I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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