she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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