he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
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yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
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The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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