Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
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