I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
this boner is exhausting
you didnt know i had herpes?
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
