No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Randomize
