Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Fuck me I smell like cheese
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