I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
