We're facebook friends in real life
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
