Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Randomize
