Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
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