Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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