What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
