I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
