if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Randomize
