Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
He is such a slut. More and more my type.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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