Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize
