You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
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