What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
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