apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
