So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
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