i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
Randomize
