Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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