tell your sister to shave her snatch
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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