I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Randomize
