Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
even my farts smell like vagina
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Floor bacon is actually really good
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
