A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Randomize
