Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
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