Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Randomize
