wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
