I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Dear god my vagina.
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