life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
