ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Randomize
