i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
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