my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
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