That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
