This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
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i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
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Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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