i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
