Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Randomize
