my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
