I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
is the fantasy fufillment of sex in a hot tub worth the possible infection?
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
