i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
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