I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Randomize
